Is it human nature to always seek the "upper hand", even (probably especially) in romantic relationships? It seems we never want to feel vulnerable, and determine it's safer if we keep the other partner on uneven footing--always capitalizing on opportunities to keep the balance in our favour. How weak of us.

How we would flourish if we could surrender, trust in the other person not to hold us over a barrel for any trespass. Can you imagine? I wonder if it's ever been truly achieved. It's funny/sad to think of, but I've implemented this--to at least some degree--in every love relationship I've ever had. Trouble is, my partners never seemed to share my lofty ideal.

Some might argue that it keeps things in check, and it does, because if the parties in question aren't on exactly the same page, somebody's going to get bludgeoned. They think--and rightly so--that if they both keep fighting for position from one moment to the next the happiness & hurt will probably even out in the end. Oh joy, classic human, I'll take a guaranteed intermittent pain rather than the potential for extended pain.

Meh.

Come on, let's collectively grow a spine & love, rather than "love light". Huzzah.

Today is a better day. I hope the past can be left, there.

I hope I started building a new future, the right one, finally. Time will tell.

Timbuk3? One can dream.

I feel the wretched twisted things in my gut, they leave me with a pained expression, paralyzed in the darkness, longing for release.

I wish I could sleep.

Even when I do, they jar me awake, as if waking from a nightmare.

I want the nightmares to end, I want this year to end, and if I can't have the life that's been dangled in front of me these past few months, I want everything to end.

Make it so #1.

...

Fuck bad timing, fuck misunderstandings, fuck loss, and fuck my damaged broken self. I've invested/wasted so much of myself believing in happily ever afters, turns out they never believed in me. A sick, cruel lie they feed us along with the Tooth Fairy & Santa Claus--it's sad we never seem to realize those happy endings are about as real...

Everything is, and I can't bare it.

Not again, I can't survive this twice.

Title says it all. That was a damn pain, and things are still wonky. Going from 2.x to 4.x was a great idea on paper. It appears I'm going to have to gut all my old templates, implement all the default 4.x templates and modify those--if I want to get rid of old crud and start "fresh". Boy, I wish I had the will to do all this..

Things will have to chug along like this for a while, at least.