The gift that keeps on giving.

So it's been a while. Noted. Moving along, moving along...

I wake up this morning, from crying my eyes out in a dream, to just crying my eyes out. What a way to start the day; with a deep sense of regret and a renewed hatred for my brother.

Darren, for those of you that don't know, is my oldest full sibling. He's also 14 years my senior. So, equate now (if you will) the physical stature of a 24 year old to a 10 year old...

Because of him, and the physical abuse in which he delighted, I have - every once in a while as I sleep - vivid recollections of some past event or events, after which I awake in much the same frame of mind as today.

I've never been so moved as to cry before, usually I just seethe with anger and resentment, but something about this morning made me more vulnerable than I've previously let myself become.

In the dream I was still little, maybe 9 or 10, and I ran into Vaughn's arms as he and Neil got back from work. I started to cry, an uncontrollable blubbering weeping, he had look of sympathy and helplessness on his face, and then I woke up. Of course the precursor to this was a mish-mosh of various traumatic Darren-related events, thus the running to Vaughn; the only one of my brothers who I ever felt could protect me from him.

Going back to sleep was more of the same, I even flung an arm out in self defense during semi-consciousness, I only wish I could have done more of that back then.

It is a sad, and uncomfortable, that years later I still can't seem to shake that baggage. Waking up in this room, which now feels all a bit alien, and alone, doesn't help.

Justin | 2:37 PM