"We are all fools in love."

"You have bewitched me body and soul."

Cool lines.

I had the best birthday I could ever have asked for.

I have never felt so loved, been so pampered, felt so at home.

I love you, my darling girl, you take my breath away.

Scruples getting outta fucking hand dred.

Words, cannot describe.

My little nephew has been quite active in the Sonic fan-based Flash movie circuit.

Warning: Turn volume DOWN.

Yes, yes I do.

Everyone knows the spiel, my friends mean the world to me yadda yadda yadda.

That fact has taken me down a dark path, especially with people I'm slightly (or worse extremely) intimidated by, because more often than not I stumble all over myself to keep some delicate balance, to keep the relationship on solid ground.

It's true I can be a bastard. I don't call, don't write, worse don't respond, for months at a time. I can be insensitive, brush you off if I have something I deem in my head is more pressing, or downright have no interest in your day at all because I'm too wrapped up in my own shit. I can do and be a lot of things. But since when did that make me any different from anybody else, make me care, really care, any less?

"If you don't show me you care then you must not care."

Bullshit.

We all have lives, and we're all in different places, different countries, more than any other time in our lives we're caught up with the day-to-day. Friends understand that, and cut yards and yards of slack. Friends that have unrealistic expectations or haven't gotten to a place where they realize that yet don't.

So I bumble, and fumble, and worry myself sick that I'm not doing what I need to do, what the fuck. How is that even remotely fair, I care, I love, and time will never diminish that, so why on god's green earth do I feel like I'm always playing catch-up? Narrowly averting disaster?

Yeah it might be all in my head, but wait, no, it isn't. Because I can tell of at least a few occurrences where it was all but plainly stated.

Man, if no communication was the thing that broke a friendship Anji would be long gone (and so would I on the flipside), but she ain't, and she's still one of my favorite bloody people to talk to, and one that has given me more insights than I'd care to admit.

I have a bone to pick with a few of my friends regarding this, and they may very well tell me where to stick it, but guess what, if they're my fucking friend telling me where to stick it will be the BEGINNING of the conversation, not the end. And If you don't get my meaning, out, you're outta my room.

I wish there were more hours in the day, I wish there were more Justins, but until they restructure time or invent a human duplicator this is how it's going to be, and I'm not apologizing for it anymore.

I just saw Kinsey, lousy movie. It would have worked well as a documentary of his life and work, a comprehensive one, but as a movie they left so many loose ends untied it was ridiculous. Anyway, it was definitely interesting, interesting too how he was able to separate sexual desires from love. The truth is those lines become very blurred when you're in a relationship and having sex with multiple partners, and that door should never be opened (at least in my opinion).

"What if it doesn't hurt me if you have sex with other men?"

"Then that would hurt me."

Ah. Ah indeed.

However Garden State was very good, highly recommended. I love the shins.

In other news I am growing a beard, and even more in love than I thought was humanly possible. Picture of beard on the 23rd, after which it goes bye-bye. As for the love, well, you can come observe me anytime you like, I'll be around oh... until I'm not =)

Because when you do, and I'm in the office, you will be speaking to a very different Justin. The ring may just as well be a fucking thousand watt lamp turned on right above my desk. You see, my partners and I are sharing minutes, and thus look with disapproving eyes at any call I don't quickly redirect to the land line. I understand, really I do (I/we pay the bill after all), it's just that sometimes it's hard to tell people calling from, oh I dunno, Europe, "Hey, go ahead hang up and make your long-distance call again to my landline, because it's better for me." Last time I checked a long distance call from Europe wasn't fucking cheap.

Two casualties of this have been Joan and Stacy, who I'm sure thought my body was snatched, and replaced with, well, a bumbling ass.

Even more ridiculous, some people (I will not call names), thought we had to pay additional charges to receive international calls on our cells. I'm sorry guys, but the logic of that still escapes me.

(561) 745 6878, hoozah.

Me!

Come on, I've got a birthday coming up, what you want more guilt? I've been hosting you bastards for years =P Muhahaha... *kof, kof*

How can I be running a business and be broke? Well it's only temporary, but it still made me remember I had that donate thing lost in space. Really though, my Visa transfer isn't even filed yet so I'm b-r-o-k-e as I can't get paid until it gets filed. Ah overdraft, how well we've gotten to know each other over the past couple months...

Expect the donate thing to become a permanent fixture over yonder (pssst! the right, the right!) in the misguided hopes people may actually give me their hard-earned cash. Hey, an old pimp can still dream can't he?

Gheorghe, you still owe me $18 + McDonalds, let's call it ah... $50 with interest k? Who loves ya baby ;)

Let me tell you what I think love is.

Love is a beautiful girl, dancing across your heart from the time the notion entered your feeble little mind, she was young, perhaps she was a mermaid, she needed you, and when your eyes met and your skin brushed against hers you'd fall into a fairy tale and your heart would swell so content you could see forever.

Then it changes.

Love is now a nervous twitch, your stomach so light you dare not breathe for fear it drags you up into oblivion, it's forever taken in pictures, burned one by one without enough time to dream them back to life, it's the bitter taste in your mouth begging for her sweet. It's fantasy turned hell, and you'd burn forever in her shadow if you could.

Then it changes.

Love is familiar, you bleed into her, you feel yourself slipping away, your dancing girl now tarnished and beaten yet still sharp enough to see, you know you should give in, but now the oblivion is in her eyes, her tongue, her hair swallows you up, so hard to breathe. You hear it say, so faint, one breath is all it needs.

Then it becomes clear.

Love is letting it all go, your forevers up in ashes, her shadows burnt in the sun, your life bled from your veins, it's letting it all go away, falling through your fingers, it's holding her instead.

all my sins, all my flaws, all my mistakes, all my broken promises.

hair getting thinner, creases getting deeper, bones getting weaker, vision getting blurrier.

dreams harder to fight for, wishes harder to believe in, thoughts harder to form, love harder to prove.

Christel, you'll always be the most treasured thing in my life.

Happy Birthday honey, I only wish...

well, I'll leave that one to you today.