in which he rambles on, and on

there are two thoughts I had tonight I'd like to share with anyone who cares, and these aren't necessarily about me, but true to form I'll probably make them about me somewhere along the way.

I think the only true love is the love you find when you've given up looking.

It's when two people are so battered and broken, that they find comfort in themselves, and in that, actually find it. find is probably a poor word too, because in truth I believe they make it.

they channel all that pent up emotion, they find an outlet, finally, and manufacture what they've always been wishing they would simply stumble across.

or you know what... maybe that's just the wish of a cynic who needs to believe it's possible. that the only love to be found is broken love.

or else, what else is there?

...

the other thought goes one step deeper into the notion. for I truly believe it's impossible to truly love another human being, at least unconditionally. there are always conditions. and at the very least, in the rarest of circumstances where only one condition exists, that will be that they've got to love you back (or somehow possess qualities or redeeming characteristics that you feel deserve your love).

I've seen unconditional love in only one relationship in my life. and that's between a mother and a son. it probably goes so far as to exist between parent and child, but I'm going on what I've seen or felt in my own life.

it is only in that type of love where there's never a point of no return, there is never anyone left behind, forgotten, written off, no matter the indiscretion. only welcoming arms greet you on your return.

that kind of love is unattainable in a romantic relationship.

there will never be someone who will understand you the way you want to be understood. there will never be someone who you can show all your flaws, all that you're capable of doing, all that you've done, and have that person stay with you as steadily as your own shadow. that is, if you continue to be that person, with all those flaws, and all that potential for disaster. but guess what, ground-breaking news here: you can't be anything else.

you can open up all you like, tell them, "THIS IS ME!" tear all the stitches out at the seams and let all your ugliness poor out, but it won't matter.

there are too many intangibles involved. people need to feel safe, they need to feel wanted and worth it. they never stop needing. and that's not a criticism, it is what it is.

you've got to remember they've got a million insecurities swimming around their heads too, everyone is wrapped up in themselves, it's bloody miraculous we can take long enough breaks to give a meaningful part of ourselves to someone else.

an even more fucked up notion: that even when we do give up parts of ourselves, it’s absolutely narcissistic, we give for us first, them second.

it's amazing too, we're such selfish creatures, so wrapped up in ourselves, yet we yearn for others. we need so much from them to make us feel whole.

and that's the problem.

we need and we need and we need, and if that person can't deliver the goods anymore - because they've got their own neurosis to deal with - goodbye.

so much for unconditional love.

if this isn't working out for me anymore - adios, because in the end, it is all about me.

right?

goodnight.

Justin | 3:21 AM