Since last Wednesday I'm officially a cigar smokin', card-shark dealin', stone-faced bluffin', poker player - okay, well let's leave it at cigar smoking... which had everything to do with the game, and everything to do with "getting into the spirit of things." I actually like 'em, although after doing some poking around online I'm deathly scared of throat cancer, so I think I'll be taking it easy, and not taking it in.

Ah well, goodnight gentle citizens of netopia, may your dreams be forgettable.

Update: I do not do coke, stop offering to send me to rehab.

head, heart, conscious, subconscious, like, love, want, need, all reveal one thing; that you have no idea what the fuck any of it is for, or what you're supposed to do with it.

I guess that's why people start doing coke.

you know when you love somebody - and I'm not talking being "in love" here, I'm talking love, because it's far more real than the fairy tale ideal we've grown drunk on over the decades - well, you know when you love them when you can see all their flaws and accept them as part of the whole, when you no longer judge them on your scale, but throw away the bloody scale altogether.

you love them the way you wish you could love yourself.

and when you cause them pain - because you're a broken animal with your best intentions wrapped in weak tissue, stringy veins and pulpy insides - you wish you could unravel them all just to hurt more than them.

I've never known another soul as selfless as Michelle, at the most fundamental level, and I truly doubt I ever will. I've never known something so pure, so much so I can scarcely believe she's real.

but whether she be illusion or rarity, I hope to God I'm in her life for another 5 years. cheers my love, and happy anniversary.