heh. I have about 3 half-written posts, but before I finish them I post this, yay.

this being nothing by the way, but idleness, and a cheap substitute.

*poof*

Why not just jump into them then?

Notice: If you don't know or give a damn about me, you've got no business reading this, bye-bye now.

So it's no secret I'm rather odd, an extremely paranoid person, obsessive, I am also in disbelief I am writing this.

Paranoid, and obsessive, let's break those down...

I'm constantly worried about how other people perceive me, worried I'll one day do the wrong thing and fuck everything up, fuck all my years of seeming "okayness" up. Then they'll all turn their backs on me, and I'll become invisible, outcast, alone.

…from here on in it goes from brain to text-box.

I worry about losing my friends. Oops! Say the wrong thing and bye-bye, time to go slit my wrists. With some of them, I'm on constant shaky ground, even a simple conversation is like a rollercoaster of emotions because I'm constantly trying to gauge where they're at in their head, what they’re thinking about me. I worry about someone seeing me do something nobody should see you doing, like scratching your ass or picking your nose, or whatever filthy little NORMAL thing you do in your own space. I worry about lies, so much so I've long tried to avoid even tiny little white ones, because they can all get you in trouble, they all come back, and they all pick up a little more dirt and venom on their way. I worry about my parents, they're old, I don't know how much longer I'll have them around, and I hate not being with them now, and I hate it even more than if it really came down to it I probably wouldn't spend time with them if I did have the chance. I know that because no matter how much I miss them, no matter how much tears I cry in my pillow or how much my heart aches, that within 5 minutes of being with them they'll say or do something to bring me right back to being a pissed off 15 year old, unable to comprehend how ridiculous these people are.

I obsess about things I did, or things I wish I did, I can never truly commit to a decision or path because I’m always reevaluating the other 10 possibilities. I can never let go of my regrets, I still feel sick over things I did half a lifetime ago, I collect them all let eat me inside out. I edit code nobody ever sees because I can't go to sleep at night knowing it's not right, or pretty, or properly indented. I feel unbalanced, sometimes I need to even off how the two halves of my body feel. I touched a rail with my left hand, really? damn, now I've got to touch it with my right. Compulsive shit indeed. That used to be especially prominent for a short span of my life years ago, but I find it comes back now and then. I obsess over neatness, if one thing is misaligned I feel the whole world is off, skewed, my equilibrium in danger, someone must have noticed me straightening my knives and forks for pete's sake... I obsess about germs, yet I can be a highly unhygienic person, completely contradictory, I don't quite understand that myself yet it makes sense when I do it. Right now I’m obsessing about all the spelling and formatting errors I may have made in this post. And all the things I've left out.

I know better, I know I shouldn't be paranoid about these things, I know I shouldn't obsess and make myself sick with worry, I KNOW, but all it takes is a look, or something out of place, and *boom*, the old gears start turning and the eyes start to dart from side to side, like a flood of murky water, it takes me right back into my vat of quirky obsessions and paranoia, and I drown in them.

Ouch, that hurt to put into words.

Sadly, this is nowhere near from complete or done with, expect more things to come out as they become too much to bottle up.

Now, you don't think any less of me, do you? *ahem* ;)

…press post before you realize what you’ve done Justin

Um... okay.

Just make them put ADV: in the subject line, that's ALL I ask...

I actually thought you people might do some good, it sucks to see you're out to botch this like you do everything else.

work work and more... you guessed it, $#!&ING work.

Update: Yes Rossi, we all marvel at the mysterious ways in which your mind works, you big fat clown. Yes folks, I've been busy, or busier than I have been in a while, I actually have a steady stream of work coming in and I'm actually making some money. Which is good because I really need it. And it's about bloody time.

This year I'll actually have some money to buy some decent presents for Michelle, lord knows she deserves it after me not being there for her birthday (or sending any presents, bad Justin, bad). There was only one other year in history that I actually had money to spend at Christmas, and that was the year I bought presents for all my friends (a plague on all those who don't remember!), though I doubt I'll be as nice this year because it's become painfully apparent that I need to save my damn money. Everyone who gets a card from me this year, will now know why. Oh but I love you still! ;)

I like editing old posts, I feel like screaming a cheesy line from He-Man, but I won't.

Halle Berry is going to play Catwoman? After she played such a great Storm? Stop, now!

Happy birthday love ;)

Update: heh, random coincidences... see the resemblance?

*ouch*

I love my friends ;)

Okay editing all the templates etc. for Movable Type is driving me insane. It's a little too customizable, there's too much stuff, and I still have to do the search, *cries*

Added some of my favourite movie-related music to the playlist, keeping the tracks @ a max of 5 for now, if you don't know these (3) songs you've got to hear them.

Added a login feature, sorry if this annoys anyone, but I prefer the safety.

Also, PHPMailTo: now works just FINE in Safari, =P

It will probably suck, RT tells me so, but I go forth, popcorn in hand, despite all odds. Review to follow, if deemed necessary.

Why is Dre the only black person in this photo? You poor bastard ;) Waitaminute, is that a white mask... oh the humanity...

The sprucing up continues, those little icons that once only denoted the time of day now act as switches as well as indicators, if you like a time of day bookmark the page with that time selected, I'll get around to doing this with cookies soon.

Also, the images now tell you what number they are under the ALT tag, so mouse over them to see, you can also tell the page to bring up a specific image by using a URL similar to this.

Therefore you can now set a custom scheme and image like this. Huzah!

Pascal debuts on the voicemail, and Arthur raps to a strange beat...

The random images are now @ 112, some of them go back to 2000, time for me to take some new pictures, I'm aiming for about 500 usable shots... that'll only take another 3 years or so...

Note: Anji's feet made the cut, she will kill me.

My friend, I would never take it away.

So, I didn't sleep last night, after I missed my window to call Michelle I was pretty haunted. What does that mean? It means a couple a things:

# The site now validates through and through.

# The mp3s are back up, and I never have to lift a finger again as far as they're concerned again, I programmed it so it reads whatever files are in the folder, creates the listings based on the id3 tags, calculates the size, and creates the links.

# The search lives (thanks to MT).

# I've gone all Creative Commons.

# *drum roll* But the best of all folks, the "random digital" is finally RANDOM!

Things still left to do:

# Edit my formmail.cgi so my email address is hardcoded on the server side, thus completing the "spam proofing" I so long for.

# Import ALL my Blogger archives.

# Automate the "voice mail" like I did the mp3s.

# Create alternate header graphics.

# Completely seperate the structure from the design (i.e. move to xhtml and css).

# Based on the above, toy with some new designs.

# Finish the REST of the templates (for archives, comments, etc. etc. etc. etc.).

Yes, I am geek, as if I don't have enough work to do, *dies*.