Why not just jump into them then?

Notice: If you don't know or give a damn about me, you've got no business reading this, bye-bye now.

So it's no secret I'm rather odd, an extremely paranoid person, obsessive, I am also in disbelief I am writing this.

Paranoid, and obsessive, let's break those down...

I'm constantly worried about how other people perceive me, worried I'll one day do the wrong thing and fuck everything up, fuck all my years of seeming "okayness" up. Then they'll all turn their backs on me, and I'll become invisible, outcast, alone.

…from here on in it goes from brain to text-box.

I worry about losing my friends. Oops! Say the wrong thing and bye-bye, time to go slit my wrists. With some of them, I'm on constant shaky ground, even a simple conversation is like a rollercoaster of emotions because I'm constantly trying to gauge where they're at in their head, what they’re thinking about me. I worry about someone seeing me do something nobody should see you doing, like scratching your ass or picking your nose, or whatever filthy little NORMAL thing you do in your own space. I worry about lies, so much so I've long tried to avoid even tiny little white ones, because they can all get you in trouble, they all come back, and they all pick up a little more dirt and venom on their way. I worry about my parents, they're old, I don't know how much longer I'll have them around, and I hate not being with them now, and I hate it even more than if it really came down to it I probably wouldn't spend time with them if I did have the chance. I know that because no matter how much I miss them, no matter how much tears I cry in my pillow or how much my heart aches, that within 5 minutes of being with them they'll say or do something to bring me right back to being a pissed off 15 year old, unable to comprehend how ridiculous these people are.

I obsess about things I did, or things I wish I did, I can never truly commit to a decision or path because I’m always reevaluating the other 10 possibilities. I can never let go of my regrets, I still feel sick over things I did half a lifetime ago, I collect them all let eat me inside out. I edit code nobody ever sees because I can't go to sleep at night knowing it's not right, or pretty, or properly indented. I feel unbalanced, sometimes I need to even off how the two halves of my body feel. I touched a rail with my left hand, really? damn, now I've got to touch it with my right. Compulsive shit indeed. That used to be especially prominent for a short span of my life years ago, but I find it comes back now and then. I obsess over neatness, if one thing is misaligned I feel the whole world is off, skewed, my equilibrium in danger, someone must have noticed me straightening my knives and forks for pete's sake... I obsess about germs, yet I can be a highly unhygienic person, completely contradictory, I don't quite understand that myself yet it makes sense when I do it. Right now I’m obsessing about all the spelling and formatting errors I may have made in this post. And all the things I've left out.

I know better, I know I shouldn't be paranoid about these things, I know I shouldn't obsess and make myself sick with worry, I KNOW, but all it takes is a look, or something out of place, and *boom*, the old gears start turning and the eyes start to dart from side to side, like a flood of murky water, it takes me right back into my vat of quirky obsessions and paranoia, and I drown in them.

Ouch, that hurt to put into words.

Sadly, this is nowhere near from complete or done with, expect more things to come out as they become too much to bottle up.

Now, you don't think any less of me, do you? *ahem* ;)

…press post before you realize what you’ve done Justin

Um... okay.

Justin | 1:19 AM